Dearest E-pao readers,

This time I have to announce that my estranged husband passed away. It was unexpected. I am in a great shock and its a numbing experience.

I know we could not make it as a couple due to his drinking problem but it got him eventually. I never wished any ill towards him. All I wanted was to stay friendly with him for the sake of our son.

I do not like to cover up his addiction but would like to stress what that does to people and their relationships everywhere. I am pretty sure there are people in our own state who are hurting inside and go on this path to drown their sorrows or hide from responsibilties!

So anyone of you sisters, who are faced with this kind of situation in your life, you are not alone. Sharing with you all gives me strength!!

I came to know who is a real and true friend at such times!!

I can say for sure, only one good friend came forward to help me. She knew my condition and straight away offered to help me in any which way she could. She loaned me the money and also booked tickets for me and my son, to fly to my hubby's hometown for his memorial service.

She is none other than the good hearted Meitei lady from New Jersey with whom I became friends after she read my articles here. Who would do such things for me??

All I can say is thank you to her and a big Thank you, to E-PAO for giving me a good friend. A big SALAAM to you all!! And also, I must mention this sweet Lady Chingboi here who always invite me over to her place for meals as she knew that I would not eat alone at home and also provided milk for my son when I needed the most.

I have to tell you that I do not have a high paying job but is just sufficient to keep us afloat. And so sometimes I have to take the help of the Soup Kitchens and Charities here and there to get food.

Despite a fair number of our community here, none came forward to help me, in the real sense. I appreciated their coming and praying for me and my son. They conducted a prayer meeting at my apartment.

I had expected them to extend any kind of help from their church side since my hubby was a member there and they had made him do his water baptism there and it sure looked good for the new church resume at that time. I even appealed for help to one of them via email.

He said that he was not in the committee but would do his best to indirectly push for some help. I have not heard from him since. Even the so-called good hearted ones here said that I should be relieved now that my hubby has passed away. I feel it was very distasteful and disgusting to say such things at times like this. I feel I should be allowed to grieve in peace.

After all we too had happier times together and a son !! So I cant just wipe him out of my mind. I know he had bipolar disorder and was abusive due to his adiction problems and that was why I separated from him. At least in his death, I feel that they should have accorded some sort of memorial service in their church as a way to show their support to me.

I know my hubby was a nobody and just an ordinary white guy who happened to fall into the cracks and driven to his addiction and led a rough life!!! He did not have a dime or a penny in his pocket and no personal property anywhere.

I did not even have the money for his funeral here and so his older brother paid for his cremation and requested the funeral home to send the ashes sent to them. They have decided to hold a small private memorial in his hometown with only his relatives.

Since I have no one from our community here coming forward to help me out, I regret to say,its hurful. To me it seems like they are s.h....t ( forgive me for my langauge) scared that I might ask them for money, but folks, at such times, you do not have to ask but extend any help which would have been much appreciated than mere lip service of high sounding words!!

All my former church friends have either moved away or joined other churches ever since our Sunday School Pastor left. I really miss them all so much!! I feel very lonely!!

People do tend to befriend those who look good in the society with their wealth and what not!! I am just expressing what I feel inside me!! I want to ask, what good is all your degrees and diplomas of doing so and so for your various organisations back home but can't even come to help one of your own in your backyard here?

I know people here are quite well known back home for their great philanthropic works and for all the world to see their good deeds outside and have people worship the ground they walk!! But if they do not come to help their own here, may be its just only me whom they do not want to accord any kind of help they can.

It would have been a really great blessing if they came out to support and help me when I needed them the most. I would have really appreciated any help.

For any one's information, I did not get any monetary assistance from any one so far. I have been wanting to appeal to all of you to at least help me repay this good Samaritan lady from NJ for the amount she loaned me for the tickets. I would really appreciate it very much.

I am just an ordinary working woman who has to raise her 6 year old son and for me, I had thought it would be great to live among our community. At least, it has opened my eyes and shown me who is true and who is not!!

I really feel they are very judgemental and not really connected to people except to run their own private dominions back home by amassing wealth and property and shutting the mouth of people by pumping in money to those who oppose or cause any dissension with their philosophy.

I am sure they have peaceful sleep every night!!! I am not someone who would cow down to their subtle tactics. My mom was under questioning by the womenfolk in the church run by these folks over here, about how my hubby died or whether it was under my "Ang Sung" ( meaning in kuki - if he died within the family or something) and how much I was going to get.

I dont care if they hate me for saying this but they cannot deny the truth!! May their tribe increase and bear great fruits for generations to come!!!I am never going to toe their line !!!

To some I may sound bitter, but I will tell like it is as always.I'll pull no punches. ......

more stories later!!