The Suitable Boy
Thokchom Gautamjit *
In the past week, there was uproar on social media over a comment made by a popular film
actress that she had no qualms about state girls (referred to as Meitei or Manipuri girls
hereafter) marrying non-Manipuris. The dominating male voice was on full display in the
comment sections on Facebook. A relatively small but equally vociferous section put up a brave
fight. The battle moved beyond the controversy and turned into a deeper conversation on the
rights and status of women in Manipur and their significance in the demography and politics of
the state.
Here is a sample of some of the hard hitting questions, and for a better understanding of the
issue, we will try to answer ( or, touch upon certain aspects of) some of these questions.
Why are we particularly concerned about Manipuri girls marrying out of the community to a
foreigner or a non-Manipuri? Is it the hurt inflicted on male ego or the intangible but real danger
to our future as a small ethnic group the cause of all our overreaction? Why is it less of a
problem when the groom is a foreigner or an ST?
We are, without a doubt, a conservative society. Proponents of this designation are mostly the
elderly population with strict views on marriage alliances - the familiar checklist of yek,
community, language and deeper concerns about bloodline and domesticity. However, with
millennials and an educated section joining the conservative bandwagon, the opposition is
framing this particular issue as a men-driven tirade against women's individual freedom.
Putting the blame entirely on men discounts the fact that in Manipuri society, both parents have more or
less equal say in the marital choices of their children. Like it or not, the mother is an accomplice
in the patriarchal treatment of her daughter. She is complicit with her husband in making sure
the daughter marries a 'groom from the same community' in order to save the 'face of the
family.' When every family does this, it becomes a norm of a larger section and in due course, a
rule of the entire society.
This silent complicity brings us to the question of autonomy and status of women in our society.
A Manipuri woman enjoys a fair amount of autonomy in economic affairs. Restrictions are more
strictly placed on her dress and conduct with other men. Having learned and experienced the
enormous liberty women enjoy in other societies, a new generation of Manipuri women want
more than what they are getting now. This gap between the level of freedom they want and how
much Manipuri society is willing to give is at the heart of this ongoing debate.
The traditionalist arguments of morality and decency are not convincing anymore. They lack forward thinking as
well as global currency. Women of today want to take care of their own affairs just like men do theirs. The idea is not about going separate ways, but a realization of a society in which men and women are equal stakeholders. What’s most infuriating though is the moral high ground from which men shape these debates.
It's an undeniable fact that men have never seriously questioned the morality (and the double standard) of unilaterally laying down rules for women because the status quo thus created makes them kings of their families and decision makers of the society. History is on women's side to prove this point. One thing men do is heaping praise
on successful and daring women. Nupi Lal and the role of Meira Paibis are enthused examples of the high stature of women in Manipuri society. In the present context, they should be chilling reminders of the inaction of men and a testament to women's ability to assert themselves and rise to the occasion.
Women are a symbol of purity and beauty (not to objectify, but for the purpose of this
discussion). Since ancient times, men took it upon themselves the responsibility to protect them.
It's not hard to imagine then, the insecurity and self-deprecation shared by men whether
consciously or more likely subconsciously at this new reality of 'competent' and 'naive' girls of
the soil choosing outsiders over them. There are frequent reports of state girls lured by money,
falling into the traps of foreigners. The existence of this repressed male anger sounds like a
far-fetched conjecture, but is not entirely impossible given the complexity of gender psychology.
One reason often given to justify this imperative to marry within the community is the diminishing
demographic strength of Manipur. While it's true that a handful Meitei bride marrying outsiders
would hardly have any impact on the size of our population, one should see the outcry as a
manifestation of the betrayal felt by Manipuris when women of our own are cozying up to the
same people we are at odds against. The state is under a strong demographic pressure from
non-Manipuris due to immigration and competition for resources.
Issues ranging from AFSPA to
racial discrimination at Indian cities to an uncertainty over the state's territorial integrity are
constant sources of enmity with the much stronger Indian state. This strained relationship has
planted a strong sense of distrust of non-Manipuris in the Manipuri psyche. Thus, marriage,
which is symbolic of complete acceptance and trust, has come to acquire a political significance.
Far removed from these larger than life concerns, the real problem though, that every family
faces when someone marries out of the community is the inevitable clash of cultures. Both
families have to make lots of adjustments and tons of sacrifice to iron out the differences in
etiquette, food habits, social obligations, interests and priorities. Add to this the distance of the
daughters after marriage and the headache for travel and communication, no wonder Manipuri
parents don't take such prospects kindly!
In conclusion, the prevailing opinion seems to be that girls should marry within the community.
The conflict between the progressive ideas of freedom of women and the conservative ethos
and cultural dissonance of the old guard happens in every small ethnic group at our position. It's
a toxic culture to target women to vent out our collective anger and even hinging our hope on
them to solve our ethnic crisis. The debate should be about creating a liberating environment for
them to make informed and wise choices for themselves and the community.
* Thokchom Gautamjit wrote this article for e-pao.net
The writer can be contacted at thokchomgautamjit(AT)gmail(DOT)com
This article was posted on July 17, 2017.
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