The Etiquette of Rudeness

By Ranjan Yumnam *

The world can be neatly divided into two types of people - the rude and the polite. Polite people are warm and friendly and they seem agreeable in deportment and speech even when they hold views divergent from ours and do things that we may not approve of. Not all polite people are necessarily good guys though. Some of them could have poison in their hearts, but in spite of it, they are people we feel comfortable being around with because of their amiable personality.

Call it shrewdness, good nature or diplomacy; politeness in people is an alluring quality. As Adam (Brendan Fraser) says in the movie Blast From the Past, a polite gentleman or a lady is "someone who always attempts to make the people around him or her feel as comfortable as possible."That's about it. Polite people are like you and me (Let's suppose. Come on, it's Sunday!).

Now, with your permission, allow me to kick up the topic of rude people who are at the other end of the manners spectrum. Rude fellows are obnoxious types who are not cordial and pleasant, and in whose presence, your toes might actually twirl inside the shoes wanting to run away from the place immediately.

In most situations, though a simple 'sorry' or a firm smile-coated 'no' would suffice, uncivil people instead resort to the aggressive gesture of raising the voice, widening the eyes, mouthing expletives and mocking at others' supposed weaknesses without even a slight attempt to conceal their contempt for the other people.

So, why is it that some people are rude the way they are? One factor could be the way they are brought up, the kind of culture that is rooted in their family and exposure to their parents' behaviours. People who are born with silver spoon in their mouth carry with them a false sense of entitlement even beyond the boundaries of their house.

Pampered and habituated to having their ways, they look at the world from the blinkered lens of their indulgent parents' eyes. This kind of acquired rudeness is most predominant among the kids of the affluent and the powerful cutting across all professional backgrounds. Easy access to money, guns, machines, gadgets, foreign travel, cars, sycophants—you name it— all these go to hammer into the minds of these youngsters a feeling of superiority of their being destined to a life of privilege. They are a bully to their friends, work colleagues and underlings and are more resented then loved.

Another factor that shapes a person's conduct is the culture of the society in which she/he lives. The graceless Indians who push, jostle and trample upon each other for grabbing a seat in the public bus, unmindful of the elderly and women, will never be as polite and dignified as the rudest Scandinavians. The idea of standing in queue for turns to be served at public places is a novelty until recently in this part of the continent. Basic courtesies such as saying thank you, sorry, excuse me, etc. tend to be used only sparingly in daily encounters with strangers, friends and colleagues.

The first words that Indians are likely to learn from foreigners are the choicest abuses and below the belt jibes in the alien language. The Indian males are famous for touching their private parts in full view of the public, as if they will explode if not attended to immediately. They also pee against any structural erection (like wall, tree, vehicle, electric pole…list goes on) and have raised this unsightly habit to an art form in the manner of expressing a style statement.

Our language is replete with expletives mostly alluding to and derogatory of the female anatomy. Our women enforce bandhs by hanging used phaneks which reeks of revenge for centuries of male contempt for them. I just hope this practice doesn't degenerate into one of hanging sanitary napkins!

Some people are rude because they are smart, and are too impatient to tolerate the imperfections of other people. Our Exhibit A would be Steve Jobs, the iconic creator of iPhone and other game changing products. He was great, but not a nice man to work with—his many obituaries in the newspapers have portrayed him as a tough taskmaster with a fierce temper, even to the extent of calling him a jerk. This grey side of his personality is downplayed because he was a genius and the cool products that he created dwarfed his personal flaws.

If you believe in the Mad Man Theory of Genius, Steve Jobs was entitled to be brash and abrasive in his dealings with other men of lesser caliber. His achievements are considered to be significant as that of Thomas Edison, and a little liberty he took while dealing with his employees can easily be ignored. The point is, if you are a smart genius like Steve Jobs was, you can afford to be rude, and we won't mind.

However, in the real world, this theory is turned upside down. Morons often do have an outsized air about them and are far more cantankerous and pugnacious than the talented lot. Suffering from inferiority complex, being rude is the only way they hope to cover their deficiencies. Pity those with the ego of Hitler and the courage of a rat before a cat.

The badass question is: what can we do about these pathetic specimens of humanity? They cannot be wished away by a magic wand. These freaks are here to stay embedded among us in our schools, offices, hospitals, aircrafts, and in all places we can think of. There are only three ways to handle these people, who were born half-baked, so to say.

One, just ignore their shrill bells and whistles and absorb only the substantive content of their outbursts, which are mostly empty posturings. When provoked, maintain calm and stare at their face with the tranquility of a Buddha in sleep. Take the wind out of their sails and see how their shipload of rudeness sinks.

Two, if you don't have the guts to follow the above strategy, then go for the most effective way: just avoid them. Don't walk in the street they frequent; don't use the lift they take; don't meet the people they socialize with, don't eat the food they like or you may end up buying it from the same place—best of all, don't stay in the country where they live. Seriously, avoid all situations and circumstances in which they might come into your way.

Third strategy is to confront them head on and tell them to back off. (Disclaimer: this strategy will backfire if the person concerned is your boss or someone in superior position). The motto here would be:

An eye for an eye—only more. If they raise their voice, shout at them. If they abuse you, give them their due with the choicest swearwords referring to their female ancestors or something. If they shove you, punch them in the face. Deal with the consequences, of course.

Sarcasm, as against rudeness, is a different ball game altogether. It's a thinking man's rudeness. A sarcastic person is a master of subtlety. The tone of sarcasm is mocking and ironic, but a skillful sarcastic person often gets away with it. (Sample this: A sarcastic person, when hit by a bike from a wrong direction, would remark at the rider, "Thank you very much, you made my day.")

A sarcastic person is like a sleek needle while a rude person is like an unfinished machete. I am not an advocate of sarcasm, but if given a choice, I wouldn't mind being pricked than attacked with an ugly weapon.

But, what the hell! I don't care. Rudes, get lost.



(Views expressed are personal and do not represent official position)

Ranjan Yumnam

* Ranjan Yumnam, presently an MCS probationer, is a frequent contributor to e-pao.net. He can be contacted at ranjanyumnam(at)gmail(dot)com. This article was posted on November 19, 2011.