Professionally I do quantitative analysis which talks more on breadth then depth. I usually see numbers and use more of my left brain to get into the core of a problem.

At times I find myself within a problem even before trying to be there and later I realize that it was due to my emotions and the involuntary feelings that have gotten me inside the problem.

Emotions and feelings are controlled by right brain, and it seems to wander without my consent. To get my ways out I use my left brain again. So, LEFT BRAIN seems to know my right brain quite well yet it doesn't control for good (imagine counting your emotions in numbers!).

For the past few months I have experience my right brain being very active with one specific thought, "what is the problem with Manipur?" There seems to be nothing wrong in this thought yet there are lots of sub thoughts which has a lot of subjective question generated towards me for being a Manipuri.

Those questions come in package of emotions, feelings and restlessness. As agreed by everyone that conveying 100% of your thought is not a very easy job, I feel my thought would be much tougher to be expressed, as I am not able to even convey it to myself at this point of time.

I would want to put my thoughts in words but I am not sure if a meaningful expression would be invented.

What is wrong with Manipur?
How it went wrong?
Why it went wrong?
Who are responsible for it?
Why would they be responsible?
Has the major problem been identified?
Is it well defined to be understood by the people?
And above all who is responsible to find out the answers to all this questions?

These were some of the appetizer to my recent right brain unwelcome functionality. Too much of questions at a time, yet I consider it only a small part of a submerged question repertoire. The brain never stops.

While struggling to find out if there is any eye opening question left out, it has already started another phase of thinking; did I ask the right question? Will I be able to answer it? Why wouldn't I be able to answer? Why wouldn't I know?

Believe me, it is tough to even stop this spontaneous questioning and more tough is trying to understand why this sudden burst of questions? It's all within myself, just myself without the logical me.

Maybe this unexplained, uninviting thought process would end with a new busy schedule in my work, but some part of me says it will not (I think that's my right brain saying).

Someone says during a discussion, "we are in this condition because we asked for it". Did I ask for it?

Who wants to be in this condition? I didn't ask for it. The turmoil was already there when I was born. I haven't come across anyone who says, he asked for it.

But did we collectively ask for it or we were forced to keep this turmoil with us? If we had asked for it, what is my share in it? What is your share? Who do you think is the main culprit?

Lots of question but no one can answer a single question? There are few people who can try answering it but till now all of them has failed to convince the general population with their answers. If at all the general population has agreed with an answer then the answer turns out to be just not an answer but an identification of the problem, Which everyone understand fully or partially.

"AFSPA" I can't recall or remember anything about 1980 because I was still a small kid to understand such complicated things. But I still remember something happen in 1984 in Heirangoithong and that's when I heard people talking about AFSPA.

After that I have been hearing something or the other every month, every week, then everyday in the local newspaper. It didn't really bother me until 2nd Nov 2000. The "Malom Massacre", a redefinition of AFSPA.

It says AFSPA empowers any commissioned officer, warrant officer, non-commissioned officer, or any other person of equivalent rank in the armed forces, in a disturbed area to either open fire, arrest or conduct search operations without warrant for maintenance of public order.

Was that done to maintain the public order? If that was the case, was the trauma cause to the people a part of the public order? Does public order means submitting to any action?

I don't think even the Yomraj (The God of Death) has been so efficient with his job. Needless to remind everyone knows RIMS incident, June Uprising and many more. Its has been 25 years living under fear of dying any day, not in the hands of insurgents but in the hands of those who utilize AFSPA more than the AFSPA jurisdiction.

The dream of living peacefully without fear seems to drift away day by day. Wonder how things have gone so bad, so bad that everyone has accepted it as an inescapable destiny. But, there is still one or two question missing which needs to be put directly across to those who really think they are doing something to get over with what I would term as "traumatic boiling pot".

Is there a difference between the aim of the people and the objective of the slogans put across to whoever concern? Have we ever thought about doing few home works with our spearheading leaders to make them clear on the needs of the people rather than ideological approach?

I am not even sure whom this question is directed to and who is going to address it. One thing I am sure, we have no good leader who doesn't go by his principle and ideology but the needs and the ideology of the people.

The political leaders are out of question as politics is a business product; whoever has a capability of spending 500 per rights becomes the leader. So those leaders are for leading the monopolized business part of the Govt. circles.

What we are missing are those leaders who Consider peace and prosperity of the people as ROI, not number of post vacancy allocated, funds allocation etc. In fact, we have knowingly or unknowingly open an institution at the grass root level to teach ourselves of ways to fight ourselves where we are the looser from the entire angle of social truth.

This institution teach you about how to pass exams without reading, how to find the channel of delivering bribe, how to help trade off your rights during the vote and many more. It is a virtual institution which is governed by the rule of "survival of the fittest".

It was clearly mentioned and praised about our courageous forefathers in all the history which could be traced back. We still have that courage but it seems to have evolved to a courage which only goes with a WIIFM approach (What's in it for me).

Imagine everyone trying to take the driving seat. Imagine a situation where all the members of a club wanting to become Secretary, all Secretary wanting to become the General Secretary of the zone.

Should we call this a proactive voluntary mind or a race for power? Further imagine disintegrating an organization which was a hope for the people.

Why? Different believe within the group. Was that believe a people representing believe or created for the group. If I am asked I won't be able to name any organizations which represent people of Manipur.

I wish I have more in depth knowledge to quote some organizations. I have a feeling that all the organization has a lot of similarity in their goals yet they are divided because more important than the goals is their independent existence.

It's confusing yet it has its charms of multiplying the confusion. For someone who is bad in abbreviation and who doesn't follow the newspaper, he would never be able to make out who is who.

It seems I am unwillingly trying to get into the exploratory research phase even though being a Manipuri I should be in the descriptive research phase or the casual research phase.

Now another question would be Do I really have the in depth knowledge of what I have started to think? "NO".

This answer seems to be first ever answered by me and it also seems to multiply the questions into further subjects. Phew!!! I never thought that the goings gets tougher and tougher when your right brain starts straying with unguided questions pointing at you for answers.

Its brains talk and only few people who have gone through similar experience will only understand. What everyone can and should understand is, our going is directed towards "When the going gets tough, the going gets tougher and tougher".