HIV – Fear Not ! (My true story)
- Part 2 -

By Sapam Nandiker *

After almost a year I woke up from the 'coma', however it was like a dream, I felt very hazy. After months slowly the awareness of my surrounding developed as my brain begun to clear up somewhat. I found myself in a different room. I asked my brother what I was doing there. He asked me did I not remember anything, not even those naming of colours and solving of solutions at Dispur.

When I replied I didn't remember anything, he smiled suspiciously. I really thought it was all a dream. To be sure I bit my lips: I felt pain. I got confused: why was there pain in dream. I came to the conclusion that it was a strange kind of dream. I then asked my family members to let me see the hospital papers if I had really stayed there.

They showed me a thick big fat envelop. There every concerned paper was there. When I went through them, including the AIDS certificate, stating me negative for it; I could not fully believe it. I only knew for sure it was not a dream when I grasp the meaning of what I was reading: repeating the process too gives the same result, and became aware there was no cold turkey. The reality of the situation I was into hit home and it was sickening.

When I was alone, I sat on my bed with much difficulty as it was more than a year I have not done that, and after some deep breath I tried to stand up but I couldn't. As time goes by the situation I was into sinks deeper and deeper. The traumas and those things that are best left unsaid had been too much to bear. I decided to end my worthless life but it was impossible as I could not get up from my bed. In my desperation to end the worthless life I tried the most foolish approach: the only option left for the 'self- euthanasia'. I tried stopping my breath; I could not more than a minute and a half (approx.).

I did it again with 'do or die determination', that time too I failed. I considered those who gained 'eternal peace' through AIDS, without much suffering, lucky. The day passed thinking what to do. For some days the thought was it right to be an escapist, mulled over my head. After much contemplation I decided to live life like others, enjoy it.

I reasoned it took many years to get myself into this quagmire, why not exercise just some months to achieve what I have wanted. I asked my father and brother to build a parallel bar with bamboo pole for me to practice walking and further asked them to keep our unused 'exercycle' in my room. I practice a lot but improvement was very slow. I again asked my family members to let me stay at a physical rehabilitation centre. They let me stay at a state run rehabilitation centre at Lamphel, probably under RIMS.

The doctors and nurses there could not help me walk again. The centre was not for me. It didn't even have a treadmill for people like me and, the stationary cycles were dilapidated. However there I have learnt to eat with my own hand, even though in the beginning my nose and cheeks met with many a nosh. After a stay of nearly a month I made them discharge me and came home. I took the help of a 'walking stick' to walk within our compound however one unfortunate day I slipped. (Now I use a walker as it is less risky).

I often asked myself, 'is this the life I want'. My memory (those which are useful), my strength, spirit and 'presentation'… everything, are badly damaged. I love the company of friends. They have always been and still continue to take an important place. Without friends we are alone (forlorn). What do we do to a criminal for his crime? We lock him up in a prison, cutting him all contacts with the outside world. Life imprisonment is only 15 years normally, but mine is life imprisonment for life.

The hope to go outside after finishing my term is not there. It seems goddess of destiny have locked the door and threw away the key. My condition would have been worse from them if not for my family members. I have some electronic entertainment for my eyes and ears but my heart longs for my friends. Friends used to visit me when I was bedridden for years.

Now time has changed, they all become family man and the roads have become different. I was no criminal but nature thinks otherwise. My crime must be, according to nature, not performing what my body cries out loud – an AIDS test. It desperately wanted to know where it stands. If I had conducted a test in time it would have been a different story. Now there is no urgency in embracing death, on the other hand I am not enthusiastic in living either.

'…which way I fly is Hell; myself am Hell;
And in the lowest depth a lower deep
Still threat'ning to devour me opens wide,
To which the Hell I suffer seems a Heav'n …'
— Milton

All these years I am learning to forget my real life tragedy and enjoy life. It is said time heals everything (for me it is almost everything). When everything is gone, accepting as I am is the only way to make myself happy. There is no use crying over split milk. No matter how sad it's, life goes on. Now I understand I didn't suffer because of others good name but my 'fear' – I didn't kill myself (commit suicide) because of others name was a lie.

Formatting life, like that of computer is impossible. Let my mistake be your caution. You can run but, you can't hide. Be courageous, get tested, time has changed. It's wrong to think one needs lots of courage to go for a test: To suffer countless days (before a test) needs more courage than to go for a test. There is nothing to lose by a test, only to gain.

Even if you are tested positive for HIV it does not mean it is the end, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. It is only that, the affected people are the victims of earth's positive check when preventive check to control the exploding population fails, destroying the balance of nature. Now as the lethality of AIDS has greatly came down. (Anti retroviral therapy is a success and there is 30% success rate of the HIV vaccine).

Nature's positive check has diverted to others diseases like H1N1 etc. There are chances lechers or drug addicts might not be HIV positive but people who only had sex once or fix (injected) once can have it. Even a child who has not committed a single sin can get HIV. It is only luck. You might be broken when you find yourself afflicted, but don't get yourself beaten. Don't let your spirit be killed in any case, challenge it, you will succeed.

These days there are medicines—given free of course—that can prolong the life of the afflicted people. 50% of the 'affliction' is controlled by doctor, nurse, medicine, diet etc; the other 50% is controlled by our mind. So, don't be afraid, making defeat slip in: let the 50% of our mind—the healing power—work too, you will overcome.

We have to recall the short story "The last leaf" written in 1910 by O. Henry (William Sydney Porter) where a young lady, Johnsy, according to the doctor who has examined her tells there is only 10% chance of living. She too believed that she is not going to get well from the pneumonia she is suffering, and she will go (die) when the last ivy leaf, seen from her bed, from almost a hundred leafs three days ago, falls. However, the last leaf doesn't fall (she doesn't know it's a painted one).

When it doesn't fall she thinks it is sin to want to die, and with her room mate Sues' help she won the fight against pneumonia and get well again. One must not lose hope; he/she can overcome any obstacle. Each one of us is born in this world to do something. 'If you are sinking, be a submarine'. Pradip kumar the 60kg category senior Mr. Manipur is HIV positive, but he can get the coveted Mr. Manipur title for 2007 even though he has been on ART for 8 years.

And Manipur is no ordinary state in terms of bodybuilding and sports in general; it produces Mr. Universe (best poser category), Mr. World, couple of Mr. Asia Juniors, and another couple of Mr. senior and junior India. Do the difficult immediately without losing time: the impossible might take time, but there is no such thing as 'impossible' if you really set your mind to it.

The fortunate (HIV negative) people can also help boost the morale of the unfortunate ones. Nobel laureate Nelson Mandela, embracing a lady who has admitted she is suffering from HIV, said to the crowd in the meeting he was attending about HIV/AIDS, 'Don't isolate people who are suffering from terminal diseases, because that alone kills people far more than the disease itself.'

The will to fight back – if there is a will there is a way – will be broken if they are isolated as 'untouchables'. If friends and the general people supported them they can fight back against the disease.

Some empathy from fellow human beings will greatly help them and, eventually find a cure to the problem which is threatening the whole of humankind. In 2008 the world health organization (WHO) said in ten years time AIDS can be wipe out from this world if each and everyone get tested and give ART to those who are tested positive. Now with the invention or discovery of the vaccine it has become a fact.

Let's defeat this 'pandemic' like before as we the humankind has done from time to time. It's a social disease. In our fight against HIV/AIDS each and every one of us is a weapon. Let each and every one go for a HIV/AIDS check.

This will enable us to see it as a fatal disease which is targeting the whole of mankind, which is a fact, and defeat the stigma and discrimination which is a great hindrance to the fight against HIV/AIDS. The shame because of it is making the worst 'enemy' of humanity invincible. We humans can defeat it only when we do away with the shame. Fighting this together is helping one another. All for one: all against the common enemy. Join the movement now!

We must learn to take this as life's intricacies, thinking positively. Thinking positively is needed. If we are very afraid that we are sick of a disease, symptoms will appear. On the other hand even though we are infected, if we accept it 'jollily' as life's intricacies, the disease won't be formidable.

concluded....