A Youth Camp in Vivekananda Kendre (Kanyakumari) and a Confession
- 12th - 15th October 2012 -

Louriyam Bebica *

vivekananda rock memorial :: Pix - Louriyam Bebica

"You know, the ghost ,the memory. I been watching you, working day and night, slaving so hard you barely have time to catch your breath. People do that for three reasons. Either they crazy, or stupid, or trying to forget. And with you ,I know you were trying to forget" .-Gus in CAN YOU EVER ESCAPE YOUR PAST?

When I went through these sentences I was wondering if Gus was pointing his finger at Noah or me. Like him 'm trying to be either crazy or stupid or erasing the past . I seem to be doing every possible thing in hope of getting happiness and peace of mind. I had no idea what kind of happiness I was looking for Times I wonder if I was like those fellows who were waiting for Goddo or someone worse than them.

It must be the longest journey I experienced in my life. We travel one night and a day on bus from Imphal to Guwahati then three days on train. So you can imagine the condition of my butt that was working as a sofa for me on that rough seat. I was just trying to think of those moments where police caught hold of the thief and start giving heavy beating on their butt, wow it would 've been terrible. The second day of our journey, I began to think myself why did I come there at the first place ,at the second place what is the benefit of I coming there .By the third day of the journey I wanted to jump out of the train and fly into my room where I can lay down comfortably.

It was terrible to be on the train for that long with nothing on stomach .In short ,there was no process of both addition and subtraction. I didn't eat nor I pass out. All of them with whom I was travelling were new to me so I didn't talk then giving them a blunt smile. The only thing I did was complaining to my aunt why she forced me to be with her to come there .

They told me it's about Vivekananda 150 birth celebration and I can join them to divert my mind that was confused on every breath of my life . The Kendra held a youth camp for whole over India in other to spread the idea of Swami Vivekananda .I was blind to the rest of the information then this . We didn't had confirmation seats too for all of us so it added more trouble to our journey. Every time my aunt turn her face to me I screamed at her -'Nene why is this to me yah? You could' ve told me that its gonna be a boring and horrible journey .I swear I would' ve never come up here'. In answer to my scream my aunt gave a scary look that signify to shut my mouth and sit quietly.

When I wake up on 10th of October ,the first thing I saw was those beautiful lakes of Kerala through my window . I was like …..wow it smitten me with no doubt . I was thrilled for a jiffy in that beauty. But I got back to my real world of boredom ,frustration and complaining mood again. Above that my mobile battery was totally drain. The only thing I was thinking was when do I reach the spot and get charge my mobile. My stomach was empty for almost five days by then. I expected a comfortable wel-come at the station and take us at the place we were supposed to stay. Keeping those things on my thought I came down from the train. To my surprise we were line up in a long line and march at the spot. Belief me ,I was at the highest point of anger .I cursed my faith for coming there and mutter every possible bad words on those people who force me to walk .

It was n't the end of my suffering ,around 200 participants arrived there at the same time so a big second cold war was running among ourselves over the use of toilet and bath room. Though we smile at every unknown faces that comes in that room ,we were insisting to each other in our dialect to take care of our belongings and rush to the bathroom as faster as possible before they could get in. Frankly speaking it was totally a political mind that we had "don't trust anyone nor anger them too". It was like we were the participants of big boss show and pretending on our behavior since a hidden camera is watching over us.

One didi came and asked us to gather for lunch. The mention of lunch made me feel high haha. At home mom needs to scream every day for skipping my lunch and dinner. That day I realized how hunger should be like that I never had felt. Every morsel I had on that day bang on my stupid brain to feel the pain that those million starving people felt every day. Since good thing began to happen I expected the best for the rest too. But the next announcement almost killed me

-'All of you can't keep your mobile ,laptop ,money or anything that is valuable according to you and tension giving stuffs according to us ,you' ve to submit it all to your groups' didi( there every women is call didi and men are call bhaya)'.

What the hell ,it's impossible, they were not asking me to give my mobile and laptop but to cut my third hand. It has been my soul mate friend. I never stayed even for a single sec without it by my side. Whether I go to loo , or bed or even while I am eating I was busy with my mobile. I know it's not a good habit but I was helpless. The daily routine I do once I wake up from my bed is check my mobile with half open eyes and see if I 've got any message or miss calls. As if I was a VIP's secretary.

And there, they were asking me to submit my mobile and laptop. I wanted to go straight to that didi and asked me to expel from the group and send me home bcoz I don't wanna stay there . I almost went there but my aunt stopped me saying I should stay there for her sake. As usual I got no option but agreed. Another thunderbolt announcement hit my poor heart .

-'This will be your schedule for this camp . No one should try to neglect or get late at any cost, punctuality and honesty is what we gonna count on you'.

I went to see the time set they made for us.

-'Che can I 've a look'. The paper was with our representative didi so I politely asked her.

Wow the schedule we were supposed to follow was like this 4.30-wake up, 5.30-prayer, 6.00-yoga, 7.15-break (bath,loo,) 8.15-breakfast, 9.00-geet practice, 9.30-gathering at the spot, 9.45-1st lecture, 11.00-group discussion, 12.30-lunch, 2.00-group discussion, 3.00-tea break, 3.30-2nd lecture, 4.45-games, 6.00-break, 6.30-bhajan, 7.15-dinner, 8.15-gathering(short video clips of those brave people were shown), 9.00-group meeting, 9.30-return to room, 10.00-bed time. It's my humble request to you all not to mislead with that very word 'break'. It's the time when I lost my energy and patience at zenith. Bcoz it's the hour I had to be in queue for toilet and washing my feet that was exhausted and dirty. Unluckily I could never rush on time so what I did was I sooth my stomach and feet to hold back their need for longer time to co-operate with my situation.

Plus to this schedule whenever we 've our duty in the kitchen we 've to run so that we could be ready to serve the people . One of my neighbor inamma( distance sister in law) always suggested me never to get married with a guy with big family. According to her its hard to serve everyone since we also got our own duties. I found that she was cheating on me. If you love the person you don't get tired or bored working for the person. Kendra's family was the biggest family I ever attended. But it wasn't tiring serving them bcoz they were my sisters and brothers ,their every smile erase my tiredness.

One girl from Arunachal who was peeping the schedule ,muttered at my back ,
-'Don't you think they are trying to train us to be in special force'. Making a heavy looks on her face. I turn back and gave her a smile that complemented with her statement.

Another rule they imposed on us was either we wear salwar kamish or our traditional dress. I was totally unaware of this type of rules earlier so I 've got nothing with me then those half pants and string that I am very fond of. One chiche suggested me to use her salwar but I denied .If it was the condition why don't I wear my own dress. So I borrowed one phanek and wore it throughout the camp. Every one began to notice me from the very beginning of our gathering session not bcoz I was beautiful but I was different from the rest of the people both in physical features and dressing yet still a part of their family with so many differences. And I used to carry a beg where my name was written in Meitei mayek till they gave me their common beg . But the truth was I don't know how to read and write in Meitei mayek yet I was proud to carry it . One didi from west Bengal asked

-'Oh it looks like Chinese letters. Isn't it?
-'No no …..Chinese letter looks like our letter not our letter looks like Chinese. Got my point?'. I replied her with a proud tone. Though I asked her if she got my point I don't know if I got my own point. She just nodded her head and said
-Oh ya,yes yes.
And another girl from Bihar came and asked me
-'Didi what do you call this?' Holding the phanek I was wearing.
-'Oh we call it phanek'. I answer with much delight on my heart. You might laugh at me to see how proud I was while replying her .You might also say this spoil brat never wore it at home and talking as if she is grown up wrapping this cloth only on her waist.
-'You look beautiful with this. I would love to 've one for myself if you 've extra'.
-'Oh sorry didi, this is the only piece I got. I will get you next time' .This was the best complement I ever got in my life.

I pretended that I care a damn on my looks. I don't maintain it and all bla bla .I was laying you. If I really don't care then why do I' ve to apply sun's cream before I walk out of my home, why do I need a lip balm in my beg, a good dress to wear? All bcoz I am concern on how I wanted to look on people's eyes . It was all fake. I learned the true color of beauty there. I sweat the whole day, stuck with those sand ,my dry lips, my face that was not bless to see the mirror for so many days, my hair that I stop to comb, my feet that no longer use food wear …..that's why I said it was the best complement I ever got .I was beautiful with no fake.

We live in the society where we felt that being alienated is the best way of life. That I really don't understand. Our parents think that their kids are at the best behavior when they don't mingle even with their own neighbors' kids. This things happen specially in our Meitei community. Don't you think gathering is important in so called this society.? There is a saying people get closer when we share our thought through communication. It doesn't matter whether through verbal or non verbal. The point is we need to interact to' know 'each other .

I quote the word 'know' here bcoz to know a person you need to talk. But in our present Manipuri society it has become a fashion keeping their kids away from the rest. The more lonely you are from the rest you portrayed yourself as a good son/daughter's image in front of your parents. I don't know why we 've this kind of feeling that the more isolated you are the better person you are. I am also brought up in same kind of environment. But the truth is the more old I am, the more stable I am into my career, the more unhappy I am.

It drag me between their expectation of so called good girl's image and my own thought .I won't deny of the moments of those silent nights, the air was fill with my dad's snoring sound, cicada was tuning along with that chilly breeze ,I often ask myself if 'suicide 'could be the river where I can wash my pain fill with those loneliness, dilemma and frustration. There could be many youngster who faced the same nights as I did.

I respect the system of our culture. No doubt it makes me unique among the rest .But I wish if it could be a bit flexible. Why do we ' ve the concept that the distance between kids and parents specially our dad is way of maintaining discipline? Instead why don't we maintain our love and frankness that we had when we were young. We became un frank as we grow up . They don't seem to knew that the more we grow up we need their more attention, love ,affection, frankness and sharing. Why I need to think hundred times before I could approach them to tell what is inside me unlike those days I sat at my dad's shoulder and narrated every silly complains.

I am not a sinner but an imperfect person who is confused and made lots of mistakes .In life, getting certificate and high post to show off is not enough. The concern is for you to find out how happy your kids are with their live. When the desire of livings leaves ,when they think the pot of this unhappiness overflow ,the wish of stopping their heart and say good bye to this world you will be left with nothing but tears and those certificates .Be friend of your kids. You are the best friends we can relay our life bcoz you don't reveal our mistakes making a sin but you reform it for the better.

When I was all alone none to share my thought I began to relay on those mobile chat or let's say face book. I didn't even realize when did this mobile become another hand of mine without that I was lost. Where ever I am ,I need it as if it's not a part of me but I am a part of it. Face book was another problem, . My reason of opting its use was a good one. I mean to say I began with a reasonable reason that was to trace back and keep in touch with my old friends.

But unconsciously as days goes on it became a reason to lost my own esteem and draw into the world of fake. It says it's a mean of connecting to your friends and world but it turn out to be a mean to flirt around with fake thoughts and feelings. It doesn't mean I don't know that it was wrong. I know well that I was into is wrong pit but couldn't get out of it. I used to be on line till late night when my aunt ask me to sleep I reply

-'Nene I can't sleep'.

Now I realized I was a lazy bird who doesn't wanna do any productive works and keep taking excuses for wasting my time. Bcoz of those two addiction I lost my those habit of reading good novels, writing down my thought on diary. I made myself busy for nothing haha. Those days in that camp helped me to kick off this critical disease call addiction to mobile and face book. Saying this I didn't mean social net work is wrong field but to misuse it made its value invalid.

Another thing that I admired was their relation to nature. They created such a type of environment where both nature and they live together. Unlike here we allowed none to live ,even ourselves we didn't spare each other .The one with the power lives here. My eyes were please to see those peacocks, squirrels, parrots ,crows so close to me. You know if they happen to be here ,within some days they will meet their fate of death . I am sorry to say but I was happy for them that they were born there not here. Its beyond words to tell how I felt when I saw them dancing in front of me as if they were the angels from the heaven that came on the earth to entertain us. Those creatures enlarge the beauty of their campus.

I went there only because I wanted to run off from my own self .I was in labyrinth, the more I try to get out from this dilemmatic life, I was stuck to my own self. Every sight I turn my face I see nothing then confusion and unhappiness. Will it be wrong if I say that everyone in my state is confuse and unhappy like me?. Those who are rich are also unhappy, those who are poor also felt the same way. Those militants are also unhappy ,those commandos whom we often call monster are also unhappy . After all those commandos are also like us who opted the job bcoz they need to fill his and his families stomach. So basically no one is happy. Is it bcoz they are like me who doesn't know what I 'm really after?

When I heard one of the didi telling a story about Subhash Chandra Boss she mention of his dialogue 'give me your blood I will give you freedom ' there my mind suddenly went to my lovely place Manipur. Here it's not like give me your blood I will give freedom .For us it will be like this ' give me money I will give you gun' . Can you belief that we 've to pay in terms of lakhs to be a police even? Do you think those policemen will be ready to shed their blood to protect us?

Ah! I thought it was the most horrible place I had ever gone. But I was wrong, when the day came for us to leave the camp I really thought why can't I stay longer. We were a big family by then. When I was on the stage to deliver my speech in front of those thousand people I no longer felt alienated. They were a part of my family then, when I saw them with tears on their eyes while I was speaking I knew that I also 've become a part of their family. And belief me it was a great feeling. Why this world always seem to need gun and alienation be the mean to bring union why not love be the mean of union? Nothing is greater than loving.