The Day Never Ends

Omila Thounaojam *

I never knew that my life would change forever. Had I known that the alteration done could never be reverted back? Had I had a clue? May be this is why writers and philosophers adamantly define life in the most existentialist lines. It's like an endless journey with no hint or idea about where was the starting point or the ending one.

Like a circling process, round and round and round it goes. Like a rotation it never ceases. I make sure that I look good every day. Who doesn't like beauty and to hell with those who pretend to be liberal with cliché. As if they will even look at a face that has dark spots all over and somebody has rightly claimed "A thing of beauty is a joy forever." Feel like kissing his hands that hold that mighty pen and jotted down the simple plain fact.

As usual I try to be independent. I just don't seem to like that old female come and help me. When I think of my behavior patterns, none seem to understand except one soul who is me. Funny perhaps but I want no assistance, no nothing and expect my parents and whoever who come around to treat me like an adult.

I want others to just let me be who I wanted to be. I really fail to locate the reason why they fail to grasp this basic need that I yearn for. This is the only thing I want to have in life. I know that I could extract a drop of happiness if I'm allowed to live my life with the kind of conditions I asked for. I would be a hypocrite if I don't accept the truth that they adore me and love me to the core but sometimes love isn't enough.

The source of life hidden like a minute seed could also be a source of pain I reckon. Many fail to look at this truth like the way I do. It is true that most of the time; the most important things are the hardest to say.

And I look at myself, my thoughts and suddenly smell the stink it bore. I have witnessed all of the sudden since that day that thoughts could act like a fox, unpredictable yet sharp, misguiding, guiding and at times maddening.

I saw him last night. He said that I looked pretty and adorable. Over and over again, he emphasized that he still cares and I'm still important to him. But why did I find myself all soaked in tears when I opened my eyes… why was I frightened? It felt like I was having a nightmare. But I recalled now that he did come and pay me a visit and he was worried. I heard it. He still cares… he still finds me beautiful and loves me like before.

Will he come to me then? Why am I not so sure? It pricks now and my sentiment is hurt. Frankly my ego is getting crushed. I don't want him… I don't care whether he comes to me and asks me to hold his hand to be together with him forever. I forgot the reason why I couldn't bear it anymore and wanted to come back to reality.

The world that I saw with my closed eyes was beyond words and it was magnanimous. Moreover he was there too but then why did I struggle to open my eyes… Oh God! What is happening to me? Why am I feeling feverish? This frenzied air around my life now is killing me slowly and is tearing me apart. I didn't even swallow a poison then why am I getting punished my Lord.

Why am I crying now? And why are all these tears forming branches like structures on my pillow cover? My life was going fine. Every normal constituent that could make a person happy and fulfilled was there with me. Everything was simple and I felt like I could conquer the world.

My dreams to lead a contented life with the one I love dearly was getting realized and then… as if the ground shattered, it shattered with a loud boom I had ever witnessed. I fell down. Had I known that my life would change forever? Had I known that I would never be the way I was again?

I thought when I opened my eyes in that hospital that I am all okay. And that it was a minor thing and that he will come to me as he always made me believe in both… why did he alter when he was not even one of the victims like I was?

Whom do I curse now? Whom do I fall back to than to myself? Some loved ones are there for me ceaselessly but I thought he would be in the front to hold me and take me to places I could never visit ever again. Everybody says that I still look pretty like before but then I can walk no more like before.

I was only paralyzed and only my left foot was numb. Can't seem to place why he turned away when he promised without asking that I completed his world and brought a radiance that he will never afford to lose. I hate self-loathing because this is not I learned from life and all the texts I read from.

As usual my middle aged nurse comes to her usual midday timing and helps me sit on my magical wheel chair. She takes me out on our verandah (not him) and let me meet the day's scene. The sun's bright and all I see once again is that the whole world is right there before me with his arms wide open. I smile and then smile and see him with a renewed eye.