Repeated atrocities on 'Enghish'

Free Thinker *

Due to peer pressure and demand from the unscrupulous elements I am compelled to jot down this sequel (subsequent part of my last column). It is neither my pleasure nor privilege to run down the most widely and wildly spoken language of the world.

It is a global truth that English language is spoken every nook and cranny (for the Englishmen it ought to be 'every nook and corner') of the world but in the way they want.

The native speakers of English can't punish or sue them or challenged or even rebuke them for speaking wrong and clumsy English. They can simply grumble and murmur.

In honour of Sir Gimson the then Political Agent of Manipur, a football match between the students of Your High School (Tombisana School) and Sir Johnstone School was organized in Mapal Kangjeibung . The referee of the match was an Englishman working in the office of the Political Agent.

Just before the match, as usual, the players were introduced to the referee. The referee inquired the Your High School team, "who is the captain of your team?"

The captain replied, "I is the captain".

The referee, with an intention to correct him, said, "so, you are the captain". The captain further responded, "yes, I are".

The match was over; Johnstone School had won the match. Mr. Grimson gave away the prizes to both the teams. While handing the prizes to the players, he did say, "Congratulations"! to each and every player.

Every player responded by uttering the same word, "Congratulations"! Poor Political Agent was simply smiling.

An Englishman and an American were travelling together in a car in Hong Kong. Actually they came for an international conference on 'protection of dog's rights'.

In the car the American all of a sudden started smoking; the Englishman told the driver to open the windscreen; hearing the instruction the American retorted, "it is not windscreen, it is windshield"; the English man growled back, "English is my language";

The American was emotionally hurt but he responded politely that "yes, I do agree, English is your language but this car is made in America."

An old retired Headmaster told me that in my last article I had committed five grammatical mistakes and two blunders. He further said that, my English is no better than the English written by a Matriculate of the 50's.

What should I say? I simply told him with respect that today even the native speakers of English do not follow the rules of grammar; forget about the offspring of the erstwhile colonists.

Finally he admonished me by saying that "but your grandfather was very strong in English". I really don't know whom he was referring to, because I had more than one grandfather.

Please don't tell anybody, in fact I was threatened to write on the same subject by a number of organizations, namely All Manipur Bandh Watchers Fora (AMBWF), Naga-Kuki-Meitei-Pangal Friendship Association (NKMPFA), Valley Tribal Forum (VTF), Hilly Meitei Association (HMA), All Manipur Unemployed Citizens (AMUC), Retired Rejuvenated Walkers (RRW), Bureaucratic Time Pass Club (BTPC), Off-Duty Police Association (ODPA), Manipur Gamblers House (MGH), Corruption Legalizing Forum (CLF), Prohibited But Bar Association (PBBA), Valley Hilly People ,Sensitive Smugglers Society (SSS), Manipur Gun Runners Group (MGRG) ,etc.,.

The President of the All Manipur Mondrung Association (AMMA) commented that my article is anti-notional because it hurts the sentiments of the English people in the country. I respect the sentiment and so in future I shall hardly try to write only the correct English.

During an inspection in a famous Girls School, the Inspector asked the students, "what are past tense, present tense and future tense?"

A girl stood and replied with full confidence, "Sir, tense is related to tension, for example, yesterday's paper is past tense, today's paper is present tense and tomorrow's paper is future tense. When the inspector left the school, the girl was applauded like anything by the Principal for saving the prestige of the School. He told her, "tomorrow you come with your parents with both father and mother".

In his autobiography Edwin Aldrin (moon climber), claimed that he was the first man to pee on the moon.

He said, "Neil took one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind; I took one small step for man and one giant leak for mankind".

No one can contest the factual position except Armstrong who is no more; but the native speakers of English might have been pissed off with the jargon 'leak' because it is vulgar and not in conformity with the Queen's English.

Yesterday it was raining cats and dogs and there was no wind in my car tyres and so I had to go to a gas station for filling. Is there any grammatical mistake in this sentence?

Anyway the abbreviations used in this article are very relevant and extremely important for the recruitment exams which are repeatedly repeated umpteen times again and again.