'Hope springs eternal!' so have I heard. And yet what do you do when your hope has lost its spring?

'Life is great! Learn how to accept the changes, be happy with life the way it is, fight for hope, then you'll know the value of life.'

There was a time when I believed what I just mentioned above. But what if the change in your life was so drastic, so unexpected and it was something that tears your life apart? Most of the time, I was able to keep my hopes flying high. But with this change in my world, I knew that things would never be the same again. I had to start a whole new life.

Yes, it was really unanticipated. December 2002, I was diagnosed with leukemia. At first, I kept my spirit high thinking it can be cured but I started drifting down to the point where I started to lose hope because I found out one thing that the doctors didn't told me. The diagnosis was late and there isn't much that could be done. That was when I was 18. The news just struck me and there was no way I was going to accept the fact that I was dying in less than two years.

I had always stayed upbeat and positive in every struggle < won't mention what> that I had to go through. But this one was too harsh. My hopes were so down that they started eating dust. I had my own world of fantasy. But when I hit the reality, I just lose it all. I started losing focus on my life, started worrying about the things that don't matter and ignore things that do. Believe it or not, it isn't easy to have hope.

As time flew by, I had to accept the biggest and most painful fact of my life. I know that life is hard and it's true, life isn't always fair and people die. I don't like it. Well, I don't think anybody does. But I will continue to participate regardless.

April 6th 2003, when I turned 19, I asked myself, is this why I came in this world for? What was I and what I am now? It didn't matter what was the root of my hopelessness was. What really mattered was that I had to pull myself out of the dirt and live the life the way I wanted. That day, I realized when I looked at myself while standing in front of the mirror. This wasn't me. Someone who is living in a world of darkness, crying, thinking everything is over. I knew I had to change myself.

I had to tell myself over and over again that I couldn't be what I always dreamed of. But I believed and was determined that if I can't be what I wanted to be, I can at least help someone become what they wish to be. September 2003, I decided to adopt the child that I had been sponsoring in Brazil for 1 and half years. Being myself as an adopted, we really had a connection, which I don't really know how to describe though. Truly, I never thought I could do what I have done. That one particular step forward in my life had not only changed the child's life but it really helped me see the little light in my world of darkness, pain and sorrow.

My life would not be the same ever again. I was aware of that. But, I have learned how to accept it and I was beginning to be happy in this new life. I was actually starting to smile; I started caring about how I looked ( umm! I am a normal girl you see :-) ), I began to be more active, helped around the community centre, go visit the children's hospital (seeing those kids smile makes my day :) >, continued dancing, basically everything that I wanted to do. I couldn't believe myself that I was actually learning to enjoy my new life.

But that didn't last for long. Yep!! God hasn't finish playing with me yet. Pretty soon, I ended up in ICU and then my day started in hospital, ended in hospital. I use to sing this song to myself "When I'm worried and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, And I fall asleep counting my blessings…… " ('Count Your Blessings' song by Rosemary Clooney). Somehow that way, I was comforting myself.

Once again, I started losing hope. The hope that I had, telling myself that I had to go through all this, accepting that this was the way it's going to be. I consulted psychologist, counselors because the negative thinking really was affecting my behavior and my mind. It really helped me change in some way but one thing. And I am still wondering how could words from just someone that I loved change me this much. It was a night where I felt completely like giving up and I said I didn't want to live anymore. If you can't live for yourself, live for the ones that loves you and for the ones that you love. I didn't sleep the whole night and I thought and thought. And now finally, I am back on track. I am still stuck in the hospital though.. lolz.

I know my life is going to be short. But I have lived my life in a way that everyone is proud of. And am quite satisfied with the way my life is now. Now just to clear it up, I am not looking for sympathy or searching for people to feel sorry for me. (Trust me, I have had enough) My 20 years in this world has been great and I have no regrets, no complains no nothing!

If, If, but none of the ifs…make any difference. Things will happen the way it was meant to happen. There is a very less chance for me to make it to my 21st birthday as the doctor said. But if I didn't believe in myself, if I limited myself, if I had no confidence, I wouldn't be here now. I couldn't even have made to my 20th birthday. Hmmm1 I would be watching you guys from heaven. I don't think I'll go to hell….Hehe!
Ok, everyone knows I have a hard time getting serious. Hehe!

Life has been hard for me. And I say this because I am the one that is going through it. Nobody else understands it the way I do. People don't really care much because they didn't experience it and it's not of their concern. I don't blame them because they don't know how it feels like.

Life is unfair. I know you have learned that the heard way. But sweethearts, as hard it are to understand, bad things happen to everyone. But don't give up hope, have confidence, be determined in what you are doing, learn how to pull yourself up whenever you are down, know that you matter a lot, don't limit yourself and you can accomplish whatever you wish to. Keep your spirits high, and if your hope is gone, hope in faith. No matter how short or long your life is, every single moment counts. Remember doing the best in this moment puts you in the best for the next moment! (Keep your hope high and be the best that you can be. Know who you are, what you are, what you can do. YOU alone can make a lot of difference. Hope is the handle, which gives you a grip on life and on god.

Shall no tears wet my cheeks,
For I have enjoyed my days.
I have cared for them well.
I had lived my life.
I lived in happiness with you all.

Love you people.