The Leftover Women! Questioning conventions

Tara Manchin Hangzo *

Do you think it is apt to describe women who don't marry and raise a family of their own as "The Leftover women"? Some might object to such terms being used to describe the spinsters of our society. I was seething with anger when I first came across these words in a book written by Pahlavi Iyer, a writer of repute, who wrote a lot about her experiences of living in China .I realized that the Chinese and we, the northeasterners, have much in common in our thinking and attitude.

China has intentionally popularized the term "Leftover Women", defined as a women over the age of 29 who have "failed" to find husbands. They even have a name for it "SHENGNU". These women are some of China's smartest and most successful career women and the "male chauvinistic society" have coined such terms for them in order to demean them just because they refused to marry men less successful than them or marry at the dictate of society.

Take it in a negative sense. Surely, it's a derogatory term and one can actually feel the offensive weight of the term. Luckily such offensive terms have not been used here, though words like "lengkhul" in Paite or "leishabi saabi" are used to refer to spinsters. It's the truth. So nobody feel offended being called a spinsters or an old maid. It all depends on our opinion and attitude in life.

A pertinent question on needs to ask now is, have we been socialized to believe that a daughter belong to another family, making it compulsory for women to marry? Look at the Indian marriage system. To ensure that the girls do not escape the institution of marriage, even child marriages are forced on them. The male members and the elders conventionally set and fix a certain age for boys and girls to marry. Match-making is a favourite past-time for women-folks who try to fix marriages of their daughters, nieces and any young girls in their neighborhood.

Marriage is an obsession in our society. Nobody seems to be interested in the girl's career or her other achievements. The only yardstick to judge a women's happiness is getting her married off at an age normally considered the most fertile by cultural standards. Later, she will do whatever she pleases if the in-laws or her husband allows her to work or to go for further study.

How society functions and evolves is all dictated by men. It's a man's world after all but this article is intended not to hurt or demean women like myself and others who falls under the category of so called "Leftover Women" but to highlight the gender inconsistency and do some analysis of why such terms have being coined and to trace the reasons behind it.

Gender perspective does play a role. We never refer to men as "Leftover Men" because society keeps men at a higher pedestal than women because men can marry at any age and get a child even if he remarries at the age of 80. That's why, once a girl reach marriageable age and crosses the landmark 25 years, she gets so much pressure from her mother, aunties, grandmothers and other female relatives to eventually take the nuptial route.

The usual refrain is "Marry now or you will be too old to bear a child". This applies only to girls. Women have been gifted with a short time-frame to marry and raise a child during the period considered fertile. Once she crosses that biological clock, she faces challenges in getting pregnant, (even our eggs become redundant after menopause) and has to resort to adopting or face snide remarks about her barrenness. It's always the woman's fault if there is no child in a marriage. Some family will coerce a man to remarry to continue the family lineage and it's a fact that the co-wives system in Manipuri society still do exist.

In a small town and if you belong to a small community, then being single is a considered a curse for women. We become a topic for neighbor-hood gossips. It is not funny being asked over and over again why I remained single? Why aren't you married till now, you are so beautiful as if beauty is the biggest criteria to finding a husband. Oh yes! In Manipur it is.

If you are a Miss Kut, you're sure to catch an officer with an "I" attached (IAS, IPS etc) or a rich businessman, contractor or a politician as your spouse. Well good for them! So we have numerous Miss contest - Miss Pineapple, Miss Lotus, Miss Orange, Miss Guava, Miss winter, Miss Summer and so on. The numerous beauty pageants become eventually becomes platforms to show-case beauty (and Brain???) and get notice by men looking for a trophy.

I don't blame the girls participating in these pageants because suitable men are hard to find by in our state with half our men reportedly affected by the HIV/AIDS menace, drug & alcohol abuse, insurgency etc. To top it all, it has been said that there has been a lopsided sex ratio. Therefore, to find an appropriate match is one tough job for parents and girls. No wonder we have many of our girls marrying outsiders and foreigners these days. (And get criticized for it)

I think its destiny who you marry and who you meet in your journey in life. Some are lucky while others aren't. One has to be lucky or clever to meet a soul-mate at the opportune time and at the right age. Otherwise, the girls have to make the most of the choices they have made and make it work at all cost. We come across many women who take the responsibility of running their household while the husbands while away his time in gambling, drinking and womanizing.

I think it's because women have a more caring and sacrificial nature than men. Look at the care taker in any family, it will be the girls. Many girls have taken the responsibilities of settling their younger siblings in life before they think of themselves. With 10 to 8 siblings in a Manipuri family and some living outside the home state, who took the major chunk of the responsibility to care and look after her younger siblings, the eldest daughter. When all are settled and have flown away for nest, she turns her attention to nieces and nephews. And the cycle never ends.

By the time she realized her mistake, she is past her prime and no longer attractive for the marriage market. She is made to feel left out in the society just because she is single. Her choice becomes limited and she has to choose from a range of old men, widowers and men who never married. It's not surprising that even old men prefer a fresh looking young woman who is in her height of youthfulness.

This is justified with statements like the man needs a care giver and a companion but our old widow is content being with her grandchildren and her increasing interest in everything spiritual. As for men, if he is not married by age of 40, the whole relatives rally around to find a young bride for him so it is never too late for a man to marry.

Let's look at another scenario. When parents are aged, the care-takers, perpetually the daughters who aren't married or married daughters take turns to care for their ailing parents. In our society the concept of old-age home is yet to catch up. So, it becomes the daughter's responsibility to take care and serve her parents who are bedridden.

By the time, they expire; she is already past her prime and will have another responsibility of taking care of other member in the family who is ailing. She is seen as the permanent unpaid maid/nurse for the family and ultimately she goes on sacrificing and never gets to lead her own life. Laudable but at what cost, will sons ever sacrifice? She is laughed at for remaining single. When her usefulness is over, she become a liability and will be shunted from one home to another, unless she has her own resources or is financially independent.

On the other hand, there are career women whose priorities are their jobs. While climbing the ladder of success, they do get left behind because they become more successful than men in their twenties and earn a good income. Men presumed these women are unapproachable and are in awe of them. These women are not going to settle for second best, they are worthy of their salt and will think ten times before becoming a second wife or marrying men whom they deem as inferior to them financially and intellectually .

Society forgets that women have a choice and most of the time they stick by the choices they have made. Sometime, the choice to remain single is their fate. The problem is not with these women but with people who are not psychologically prepared to handle issues related to the singlehood of women. It is seen as an odd situation and efforts are not made to understand the female psyche.

Society is yet to get a picture of their challenges, their struggles and understand their stories. These are progressive women with a mind of their own. This is why there is the need to turn the Leftover Women into Empowered Independent Women.