How to deal with Monster-in-laws!

Sonya Huidrom *

A manembok-mamau drama scene from the film "Dharmagi mingda Imagidamak"

'Management of many is the same as management of few. It is a matter of organization'

Human emotions are the same no matter what culture caste or country you belong. For any relationship to work there should be a healthy amount of distance, honesty and mutual trust and respect. But relationships are complicated things and even more so when one is in this mother in law- daughter in law relationship.

Although many a brave hearts joke about this manembok-mamau drama, this is serious issue and one of the major causes of stress and depression amongst young families. Clashes between the wife and mother not only impacts the poor soon who gets pulled from both the ends, but it also impacts relationship with other family members.

So, for you beautiful ladies out there no matter what stage you are in your relationship with your other half's mother, here is few do's and don'ts on how to tame the monster-in-law.

Do's

1. Be honest: Be clear, honest, and calm with both your husband and mother in law about your needs and desires.
2. Gracefully and humbly admit it if you've made a mistake, such as expecting too much or trying to control your husband's mother's actions or personality.
3. Respect your mother in law's opinions, wisdom, age, and experience. Build a good relationship with your husband's mother listening to her.
4. Let your husband – her son – discuss big issues with her. As the daughter in law, stand back
5. Call your mother in law just to say hi. Being a great daughter in law starts with being thoughtful.
6. Stand up for yourself if your mother in law criticizes your appearance, house, or parenting style. Point out remarks you think are unfair or unnecessary when they happen (not months later, or to your husband that night).
7. Be considerate of health concerns of your mother in law, such as depression, failing physical health, and fears of aging. A great daughter in law cares about other people's health.
8. Be patient in the face of hostility, silence, or rejection. Building a good relationship with your mother in law requires patience.
9. Show respect and compassion to your husband's mother even when you don't feel like it.
10. Pay attention to your mother in law's needs and wishes. A great daughter in law considers others' desires.
11. Ask your mother in law to join your world!
12. Accept that personality conflicts happen, and learn to live with differences of opinion, perspective, and culture. A great daughter in law knows and accepts who she is.

1. Offer excuses or rationalizations to your husband's mother.
2. Get drawn into arguments, debates, or screaming matches. A great daughter in law lets things go.
3. Expect your mother in law and husband to read your mind. Building a good relationship with your mother in law requires honesty.
4. Be afraid to apologize. A great daughter in law says "I'm sorry, I was wrong," when necessary.
5. Expect an apology from your husband's mother in return. Building a good relationship with your mother in law requires no expectations.
6. Let your mother in law's assessment of you colour your self-perspective as a daughter in law or woman. You can't control what others think; you can only be who you are and live up to your own standards.
7. Be swayed by complaints, comparisons, or nagging from your husband's mother.
8. Be rude, critical, or overly sensitive to your mother in law.
9. Criticize your in laws in front of your children. Building a good relationship with your husband's mother means that you don't cut others down.
10. Let your happiness depend on other people. A great daughter in law is happily self-sufficient.

1. Remember that your children and daughter in law have their own lives.
2. Be flexible.
3. Ask "why" if your daughter in law asks you to change your behaviour. Ask why to understand better, not to argue or defend yourself.
4. Be patient if you experience hostility, suspicion, or distance from your daughter in law. Build a good relationship with your daughter in law by not reacting immediately to slights.
5. Accept and learn about your daughter in law's generation, culture, nationality, age, and mindset – which is supposed to be different than yours!
6. Talk openly, honestly, and humbly about miscommunications, arguments, or other conflicts with her. Talk about building a good relationship with your daughter in law and your experiences as a mother in law.
7. Be responsive to your daughter in law's needs and feelings even if you don't understand them. Building a good relationship with your daughter in law is about empathy.
8. Treat all your children equally – including your in-laws. A great mother in law is impartial and fair.

1. Give your daughter in law advice unless asked.
2. Comment on your daughter in law's parenting, housekeeping, cooking, or relationship skills (or your son's).
3. Punish your family when they don't conform to your expectations. Be a great mother in law by letting your family be themselves.
4. Make up stories about your son or your son's wife.
5. Comment on your daughter in law's hair, clothes, weight, makeup, job, income, extracurricular activities, or cosmetic surgery (unless you're offering genuine, sincere compliments!).
6. Hold a grudge or try to make her your son's wife or son feel guilty.
7. Exclude your daughter in law from serious events in your life, such as surgeries or medical diagnoses. Being a great mother in law involves honesty.
8. Be mean or grumpy to your daughter in law. Be a great mother in law by being polite and kind.
9. Discipline your grandchildren your way.
10. Feed the grandchildren "forbidden" foods. Heed your daughter in law's house rules.
11. Call your daughter in law or grandchildren names. Build a good relationship with your daughter in law by being respectful.
12. Nag. Build a good relationship with your daughter in law by letting things go.
13. Force your perspective or way of doing things on your son's wife.
14. Ignore your daughter in law.
15. Wait for your son to leave the room and then make "harmless", unhelpful or even snide comments to your daughter in law about their lifestyle.
16. Complain that your daughter in law is wasting electricity, water, plastic sandwich bags, wrapping paper, or bows. A great mother in law keeps her opinions to herself.
17. Don't forget that all your children – including your son's wife – feels loved and appreciated in different ways.