The Art of Self-Empathy and Trust: Leadership Lessons Rooted in Wisdom

Samchetsabam Ratankumar Singh *

We often forget to take care of ourselves while we seem to be taking care, but that is not really the case—it is true. One of the greatest challenges we face as leaders is not external pressure; it is the way we treat ourselves. We are often our own harshest critics, engaging in relentless self-judgment that erodes confidence, dims our spirit, and ultimately weakens our leadership.

As Buddha wisely said, 'You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.' Learning to practice self-empathy and trust is not just an act of self-care—it is an essential skill for impactful leadership.

The Silent Battle with Self-Criticism

Many of us unknowingly become experts in self-criticism. We scrutinize our every misstep, replay our mistakes, and dwell on what could have been done better. This, over time, leads to self-doubt, lower self-esteem, and reduced effectiveness as a leader.

Take the example of a leader who delivered mixed messages to their team in a moment of stress. The situation resulted in confusion, and the leader was left blaming themselves for not being clearer.

Another common scenario is struggling to address a poor performer, resulting in negative consequences for the team. While these moments can certainly serve as learning experiences, they should not become sources of self-punishment. As Confucius said, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”

Leadership is a journey, and missteps are part of growth. The ability to reflect on these moments, extract lessons, and move forward with compassion is what separates great leaders from the rest.

The Power of Self-Distancing

One technique to cultivate self-empathy is called illeism or speaking to oneself in the third person. It may feel unusual at first, but research in psychology shows that it helps create emotional distance from a problem, allowing for more objective and compassionate self-assessment.

Instead of saying, “I am a failure. I’m not cut out for this role,” try saying, “[Your Name] had a tough day. They faced challenges, but that doesn’t define them. They are learning and growing.” This small shift fosters perspective, self-kindness, and resilience.

Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic emperor, practiced a form of this in his Meditations, reminding himself to observe his thoughts as if he were advising a friend. He wrote, “You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” Leadership begins in the mind, and practicing self-empathy allows you to show up as a stronger, more composed leader.

Learning to Trust Yourself

Trust is the foundation of great leadership—but before others can trust you, you must trust yourself. Imagine being asked whether you trust a close friend. Your answer would likely come quickly and with certainty. But if someone asked, “Do you trust yourself?” how confident would your response be?

Self-doubt manifests in many ways:
o Seeking excessive validation from others
o Constantly second-guessing decisions
o Avoiding difficult conversations
o People-pleasing at the cost of personal values

Lao Tzu, the great Chinese philosopher, said, “At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” But in the noise of daily responsibilities, we sometimes forget to listen to ourselves.

A Simple Exercise to Build Self-Trust

To cultivate self-trust, start by engaging in daily self-reflection. At the end of each day, ask yourself:
1. What did I handle well today, and why?
2. What did I find challenging, and why?

Write your answers down. Over time, patterns will emerge, helping you understand your strengths and areas of growth. This exercise is not about self-criticism; it is about self-discovery. By practicing self-awareness, you build a foundation of self-trust that enables quicker, clearer decision-making. As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, “Self-trust is the first secret of success.”

Creating Your Achievement File

There will be moments when doubt creeps in. When that happens, it’s crucial to have a tangible reminder of your achievements, a repository of validation to turn to—a concept I call the Achievement File.

An Achievement File (also called a ‘Brag File’ or ‘Smile Folder’) is a collection of positive feedback, accomplishments, and affirmations that remind you of your value. It could include:
o Emails from colleagues or clients appreciating your work
o Screenshots of positive messages from LinkedIn or Slack
o Notes from successful projects or presentations
o Personal reflections on milestones you’ve achieved

Whenever you feel uncertain, open your Achievement File and revisit your successes. The Buddha taught, “What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.” By reinforcing your own value, you shift your mindset towards confidence and capability.

Final Thoughts: Leadership as an Inner Journey

Leadership is not just about strategies and execution - it is deeply personal. It is about how you speak to yourself when no one is watching, how you recover from setbacks, and how much trust you place in your own decisions.

By practicing self-empathy, reframing self-criticism, trusting yourself, and keeping track of your achievements, you empower yourself to lead with authenticity and resilience.

As the Dalai Lama once said, “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” This applies not only to listening to others but also to listening to yourself. Be kind, be trusting, and above all, be the leader you were meant to be.