Wishing it was a double Jack Daniel on the rocks to steam off my anxieties I anxiously downed the glass of designer water set on the table.
The board of directors were rather too tricky and smart with experiences to corner us and shoot us questions which were beyond our imaginations.
Nevertheless I managed a 100 watts smile and answered as politely and knowledgeably whatever information my almost frizzled up brains could muster up. The show was
finally over and so was my soberness. And along came the drunkenness.
Of course I was smart; in fact every group member of my project was, after having a few much needed drinks at the student bar. Some already became expert on every subject on the known universe who minutes ago were gibbering nonsense during the presentation.
Everybody wanted to pass on knowledge to anyone willing to listen and of course anyone who argued was very wrong because he/she was SMART. This however turned out into a boxing ring when 2 members of my group were as SMART as each other but finally whisked both away from the ring by the ladies with some soothing words.
Stage 2-GOOD LOOKING
Well, singing better tracks than the Beattles, rocking more than Elvis Presley's jailhouse rocks inside the shower and when you finally dressed up in front of the mirror with more grease than John Travolta dares put on, your liquor fuelled hazy brain gave you and still convinced you that you were the BEST LOOKING person in the entire club and that girls fancied you.
So I went up straight to perfect strangers believing they really fancied me and really wanted to talk to me and strike up conversations.(bear in the mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to these people about any subject under the sun). A lucky few of us hooked girls/guys and followed the club rituals; some ogling in the private lounge, some burning the dance floor etc (which I don't want to go into details) while the rest already had entered the 3rd stage.
This was when some of my friends suddenly became the richest person in the world by buying drinks for the entire club as if they had an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. At this stage, betting was a common phenomenon; because of course you were still SMART.
It also didn't matter to them who won or lost or how much they bet because they were RICH. Naturally a friend of mine parted with £250 since the other Caribbean guy managed to drown himself in sea of whisky (15 double shots of JD in 1 minute,, for those who want to know the details).
At this stage we were either ready to fight or do something strange because nothing could hurt us. One of my friends at this stage went up to a partner of the girl whom he fancied and challenged to a battle of GOOD LOOKING by asking the girl if she was indeed blind as a bat to fool around with a snotty-pigged face loser.
The brawl was of short lived but the consequences were heavy. Apparently he was thrashed by the gang in the cubicle but still my friend had no fear of losing the battle because he was SMART, he was RICH, and hell he was BETTER LOOKING than they were anyway!! (My BULLET-PROOF buddy couldn't walk for the rest of the semester).
This is the final stage of drunkenness. Since we were inadvertently kicked out of the club due to the ruckus we failed to relieve ourselves in the loo. After all at this stage you believed you could do anything because NO ONE COULD SEE YOU. Not bothering much about the ladies' presence (after all you are INVISIBLE), one of my buddies went straight to the telephone booth and came back after a while.
Later I asked what he did there; to my surprise his answer solved my problem. So I followed his tracks and did exactly like him, i.e, making a fake call and pissing inside the telephone booth, no sooner did I came out from the booth than a new friend of mine not so accustomed to English language followed the band wagon.
However while relieving him inside the booth and the girls laughing the living daylight out of them (coz then they knew what was happening inside), out of nowhere 2 beat officers found it quite perplexed to see water streaming down from the booth.
Sadly INVISIBLITY stage ended for my other friend inside the booth. No matter how much he drank from that day on, he still couldn't attain the INVISIBLE tag because after all HE WAS KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE CAMPUS AS THE GUY WHO TOOK THE COSTLIEST PISS EVER IN LIFE WORTH £100!
P.S: The stages of drunkenness may be less or more than 5 stages or whatsoever depending on your experiences and I don't want to argue about it.
Rajasekhar Moirangthem writes regularly to e-pao.net
He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
This article was webcasted on 28th November 2005.