My mom's love story
- Part 2 -
Louriyam Bebica *
My ears were pleased with the most wonderful words from your dad on that day. At the same time I also heard the most unpleasing words from my dad. I called up home to inform that I decided to settle my life with your dad. You know how I was accused of being moral less and unworthy daughter.
-Mamma, please, don't cry. You don't need to tell me the story. I'll never ask you mamma. I hug her tightly telling her I would never be gonna like my dad or her dad.
-No, no, I am ok. I need to complete my story. She continued wiping her tears
-"You cheated on us. How dare you bring such disgrace in our family? Is it the way how you plan to pay back for our love? Is it the reward of giving you birth and bringing you up? You had thrown us into the pit of hell. You are dead for us from now on."
He didn't even listen to me for a second, he just slammed the phone. I was holding the phone even after the line was cut off. My lips were numb to speak and my eyes were wet to open. I was breathing without living. The whole world accused me of falling in love with someone out of my own caste. They said I was selfish. My mom often said love can happens after marriage also, I don't know if she was true.
The very thought of marrying someone I am not in love frighten me. Whether it sounds odd or not, I am gonna think of your dad even if I end up with someone of my parents' choice. Love is not only about emotion but physical too. How could I allow someone to rape me in name of husband? If they happen to ask me of my life, I would've given it.
But I could never say yes to their proposal of sleeping with someone whom I don't have any connection eternally. As for John Donne, it's the union of two legs of a compass, for me it was setting my eternal life into his .So I could not betray my own intuition. Though the whole world accused me, I could only say I WAS IN LOVE.
Since then we were isolated from both the families though your father joined them later on. We were like an island in a big ocean. Things between I and your dad were going smoothly till you were born. When you were young I used to take you to the Church, Temple & Masjid, every place where different communities offered their prayer so that you can see them equally.
For me, the religion I wanted to give you was love and kindness. Bcoz I would never like you to stick on a particular and prejudice the rest as our parents did and up to some extend even your dad and your mom, too. Reading different religious stories on your bed time was a routine for I and you. One evening I was feeding you evening snacks when his parents came. Your dad was calling me loudly from the courtyard
-Jen, Jen, see, who is here? Jen, Jen,...
I rushed out with you. I was shocked to see them there but happy bcoz your dad seemed to be too happy. That evening your dad tried to smitten me with extra effort so I knew that something was on his mind.
-What happen? Why are you trying to pour love over love today? I asked him when he was hugging me from behind while I was cooking.
-Nothing like that. Ah! You got good news?
-Oh! really? Turning my face to him I gave a light kiss on his lips.
-My parents are willing to accept you?.....................
-Are you sure? I was so happy that I end up getting cozy under his bosom.
-Yes, my princess but you've to do a small thing?
-You have to convert to Islam. If you love me, you shouldn't question me.
-What? No way, you must be kidding.
-Its true and you got no choice. Above all, you are a woman.
-Ah! See honey, you don't get me. It's not that I dislike your religion or any other. I respect them all equally. But it's not possible for me to convert to Islam. Not only Islam any other religion.
-Bcoz I had lived half of my life into different world. And religion is the habitual ways of life that was gifted to you by your parents and your environment. It's happening so natural that it became a part of you unconsciously. I am 35years old now. How can you asked me to change myself all of a sudden? If I were 5/6 years old, then I could have done it easily. But now, Meeteism is already a part of me. It'll be like trying to turn oil into water by mixing them up. You know both oil and water will never. Everything will end up getting spoil. That's it.
-You seem to forget that you are a woman. It's social norm to follow what your husband does and belief.
-I never forget that I am a woman. But you seem to forget that I am also a human like you.
-So, you don't love me?
-What if I ask you the same question?
-Don't change the topic. You don't love me, right?
-Don't try me with your emotional blackmail. I love you so I never put any condition on you. I thought you love me too, though I am confused now. Loving is accepting the way I am and you are. It's not forcing someone to kill her or his own self.
-So, it's your decision? It's more importance than me?
-Ah! Nothing like that honey but you know well that I'll never be happy if you kill my inner feelings. As I said it's in me, a part of me. If you cut off one among us either my soul or body I won't be complete or happy in life. Don't kill me, please...
-Ok, if you don't think your husband's words are to be followed without being questioned then I am moving out.
Mamma was in silent pain. She was trying hard not to shed tears in front of me. Then she spoke up again -
-Your dad left us since that day. I was not able to believe all that was going on in my life. As days and months go by turning into years, I began to realize that he really left us.
I didn't know how to console her seeing in that broken state. So, simply called out her name. I hope she understands my undying love and concern for her that I send in my voice through her name.
-Hum, I am ok, my little one. Since childhood till my youth, I was in dilemma thinking if I was really selfish, if this world's accusation were correct. But no, I was not wrong. It is this manmade society, manmade language, manmade religion; manmade world that portrayed me to be a sinner. My father ditched me bcoz he thought I gathered the strength to stand against his wish, his wish of carrying his identity, culture, religion.
Your father ditched me bcoz he realized that I won't sale my soul. But can you believe these were the two men in my life who once said that I was the reason of their happiness? I thought it was true but no they were fooling me. They never treated me like a human as they are. I was only a subject who carried performance of their world.
They were my masters. They shower love till I do everything they said. They kick me out once I began to tell them-
-Hey, I am one of you, please considered my likes and dislikes too. Listen to my heart beats also. Listen to what I want in life. Don't treat me like a slave who does nothing buy obey you whether it's right or wrong. Don't put every blame on me saying 'since you are a woman you've to do it'.
-That's the love story of your mom. Saying this she began to weep and all of a sudden cry out loudly. I could do nothing to wash off her pain then hugging her tightly and melting in her pain with my tears.
* Louriyam Bebica wrote this story for Hueiyen Lanpao (English Edition)
This article was posted on August 30, 2012 .
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