When we stumble and fall

Janghaolun Haokip *

I stumbled and fall. I took my time; I figured it out, stood up and started to walk-on. But I stumbled and fall, took my time again, pack-up and started moving on. But then again, I stumbled and fall. This time it was really hard for me to figure why.

Of course I know what makes me fall, but then, do I really fall for the same shit over and over again. This isn't just right, I told myself, but I'd fall again even if I stand up and start again. But it was a nightmare to live in the dark, but I had no courage to stand up. But do I really want to change my enrolment in the evils den, from temporary to permanent.

In life, I felled and fail myself a hundred times. Even when I know in what I stumble on and even after I whisper a hundred promises to God. The words of my prayers are buried deep in my heart and it goes like such, "God, just this time, I promise I'll be good", "God, give me one last chance, I'll never do it again".

Of course I lied to God, I lied to myself, not once or twice or ten but a hundred times. Of course, I did hated myself, I was too weak and my decision always belies my promises to which I only curse myself in the end.

Of course I hated myself for I know how inept I've been all along. I hated myself and the feeling of light seemed so far away. Sometimes I hated my friends, sometimes my family, I thought they were the ones to be blamed for not helping me out enough like they were supposed to, but deep inside I know, it was just me and the frustrated and helpless side of me.

And at some point in my life between the frustration and helplessness, I often ended up asking myself, would there be anyone worse than me?. I think of Lucifer, but then he was an angel just beneath the throne of God, he could have craved for more but I'm just nobody but trying to defy the world.

The last time I failed, life was really hard. It was like being in my own funeral and the worse is that I was alone. While nobody cares or notice, to struggle myself to death in agony is death itself I feared. I had a hundred prayers on a mystery voyage to the air, but deep inside I didn't really believe those prayers would help me anymore.

But what else do I do, I was weak, I was relentless, but for what, when the world resented me for who I am. I felt like the world doesn't have a place where I could fit in anymore. Where do I then belong, when I've read and heard since I was two and a little boy, that heaven have no places for one like me.

I literally buried my face in shame; I literally stopped looking at people's faces. Somebody would have hardly recognized the weirdness in my face, but I felt like the world sees me bare naked. It was such a life -haunted by the nightmares of all the dark I've been -even the daydreams fancies were devils feasting on me.

I still wonder, if it's not the love of God, I still have no clue of what did change me. But I stopped being the man I used to be. There were times I doubted myself, am I just moving on to another mystery road to nowhere. Is this just another illusion I'm deluded to.

But I hope not, I trust in God, I trust in life, I trust in the beauty of nature. I started trusting in people, not all of them, but people close and people I hold dear to my heart. Life then becomes good and since then it always has been.

In some lonely days in quite places, I look back to my life. It makes me laugh in shame, It makes me smile of all the silly petty memories, It makes me hung my head in disagreement and the worst is that there are some parts of my life that scares me to even think about, these are some I still can't get over with. The truth is I don't want to imagine myself so low when the fact is that I went that far down.

Forgiven and blessed with peace. Now I live like I have all that I need and all that I want more is just another 60 years of my life and more. I want to be a better man I've never been. I want to be writing books and having them read worldwide. I want to write about love,

I want to write about change, I want to write about struggle and I want to write about my life of sin and of all that changed me from being a man in chain to a man in wings. I know these are just dreams and wishes and I might never live to live my dreams and alight in the delight of my wishes.

I might never be a writer or never be someone who inspire others or worst I might fall again and trapped myself again in that heavy chain in the midst of darkness. The only thing I am sure of is this, whatever may come, it may go -all the things that hurts and even gold.

So, I made this promise to myself, If I must, I must hold on no matter how hard and when the tide is right, I must sail in the clouds of the sky and shower all the love I have wherever I must.

Life is good. The best unimaginable change can happen. But it matters if you want it with all your heart or you might simply take it if it comes by. If you do really want to change, look within yourself, if that's not enough, say, "God, please help me, I'm dying".

I don't know who your God is, but somehow you'll change, for the air itself is God and it hears our prayers. Look out for people you can trust, stay close with them, they will help you grow.

To be inspired does not require someone to tell you about a miracle, look for the beauty of all the little things in life and if your heart is right, you're already inspired and you're ready to aspire to inspire others. "Be able to look for the good in life admist the brutalities and cruelties you've seen and heard.

For like heaven and hell are two, there is always a way to feel good, you just have to look far enough or beyond or maybe in every book or maybe by hook or crook. Isn't it always better to feel good than to feel like you're dying". And as for me, that 50 rupees notes my mama sent me will always remain my best motivation.

* Janghaolun Haokip wrote this article for The Sangai Express
This article was posted on August 8, 2017.

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