TODAY -

When we stumble and fall

Janghaolun Haokip *



I stumbled and fall. I took my time; I figured it out, stood up and started to walk-on. But I stumbled and fall, took my time again, pack-up and started moving on. But then again, I stumbled and fall. This time it was really hard for me to figure why.

Of course I know what makes me fall, but then, do I really fall for the same shit over and over again. This isn't just right, I told myself, but I'd fall again even if I stand up and start again. But it was a nightmare to live in the dark, but I had no courage to stand up. But do I really want to change my enrolment in the evils den, from temporary to permanent.

In life, I felled and fail myself a hundred times. Even when I know in what I stumble on and even after I whisper a hundred promises to God. The words of my prayers are buried deep in my heart and it goes like such, "God, just this time, I promise I'll be good", "God, give me one last chance, I'll never do it again".

Of course I lied to God, I lied to myself, not once or twice or ten but a hundred times. Of course, I did hated myself, I was too weak and my decision always belies my promises to which I only curse myself in the end.

Of course I hated myself for I know how inept I've been all along. I hated myself and the feeling of light seemed so far away. Sometimes I hated my friends, sometimes my family, I thought they were the ones to be blamed for not helping me out enough like they were supposed to, but deep inside I know, it was just me and the frustrated and helpless side of me.

And at some point in my life between the frustration and helplessness, I often ended up asking myself, would there be anyone worse than me?. I think of Lucifer, but then he was an angel just beneath the throne of God, he could have craved for more but I'm just nobody but trying to defy the world.

The last time I failed, life was really hard. It was like being in my own funeral and the worse is that I was alone. While nobody cares or notice, to struggle myself to death in agony is death itself I feared. I had a hundred prayers on a mystery voyage to the air, but deep inside I didn't really believe those prayers would help me anymore.

But what else do I do, I was weak, I was relentless, but for what, when the world resented me for who I am. I felt like the world doesn't have a place where I could fit in anymore. Where do I then belong, when I've read and heard since I was two and a little boy, that heaven have no places for one like me.

I literally buried my face in shame; I literally stopped looking at people's faces. Somebody would have hardly recognized the weirdness in my face, but I felt like the world sees me bare naked. It was such a life -haunted by the nightmares of all the dark I've been -even the daydreams fancies were devils feasting on me.

I still wonder, if it's not the love of God, I still have no clue of what did change me. But I stopped being the man I used to be. There were times I doubted myself, am I just moving on to another mystery road to nowhere. Is this just another illusion I'm deluded to.

But I hope not, I trust in God, I trust in life, I trust in the beauty of nature. I started trusting in people, not all of them, but people close and people I hold dear to my heart. Life then becomes good and since then it always has been.

In some lonely days in quite places, I look back to my life. It makes me laugh in shame, It makes me smile of all the silly petty memories, It makes me hung my head in disagreement and the worst is that there are some parts of my life that scares me to even think about, these are some I still can't get over with. The truth is I don't want to imagine myself so low when the fact is that I went that far down.

Forgiven and blessed with peace. Now I live like I have all that I need and all that I want more is just another 60 years of my life and more. I want to be a better man I've never been. I want to be writing books and having them read worldwide. I want to write about love,

I want to write about change, I want to write about struggle and I want to write about my life of sin and of all that changed me from being a man in chain to a man in wings. I know these are just dreams and wishes and I might never live to live my dreams and alight in the delight of my wishes.

I might never be a writer or never be someone who inspire others or worst I might fall again and trapped myself again in that heavy chain in the midst of darkness. The only thing I am sure of is this, whatever may come, it may go -all the things that hurts and even gold.

So, I made this promise to myself, If I must, I must hold on no matter how hard and when the tide is right, I must sail in the clouds of the sky and shower all the love I have wherever I must.

Life is good. The best unimaginable change can happen. But it matters if you want it with all your heart or you might simply take it if it comes by. If you do really want to change, look within yourself, if that's not enough, say, "God, please help me, I'm dying".

I don't know who your God is, but somehow you'll change, for the air itself is God and it hears our prayers. Look out for people you can trust, stay close with them, they will help you grow.

To be inspired does not require someone to tell you about a miracle, look for the beauty of all the little things in life and if your heart is right, you're already inspired and you're ready to aspire to inspire others. "Be able to look for the good in life admist the brutalities and cruelties you've seen and heard.

For like heaven and hell are two, there is always a way to feel good, you just have to look far enough or beyond or maybe in every book or maybe by hook or crook. Isn't it always better to feel good than to feel like you're dying". And as for me, that 50 rupees notes my mama sent me will always remain my best motivation.


* Janghaolun Haokip wrote this article for The Sangai Express
This article was posted on August 8, 2017.


* Comments posted by users in this discussion thread and other parts of this site are opinions of the individuals posting them (whose user ID is displayed alongside) and not the views of e-pao.net. We strongly recommend that users exercise responsibility, sensitivity and caution over language while writing your opinions which will be seen and read by other users. Please read a complete Guideline on using comments on this website.




LATEST IN E-PAO.NET
  • HSLC 208 Exam Toppers : Gallery
  • HSLC 2018 :: Toppers Listing
  • HSLC 2018 :: Check Result
  • HSLC :: Statistical/Subject Topper
  • HSLC 2018 :: External
  • Voices from beyond Kangleipak Ema :: Poem
  • Ethnic responses to merger
  • The unforgettable training
  • Cancer: A preventable & curable disease
  • Khangminashi - III (Lecture) : Report
  • Discussion : Identifying Colonial Settlers
  • Technology redefines unity
  • Paukhanmung, Siipuni :: eMing
  • Veterans Football Tournament #1 : Gallery
  • Sovereignty Struggles in Northeast #1
  • Naturopathy as career option #2
  • Multiple jobs @ R-Square Design
  • Cry of a Dying River - 30 :: Poem
  • Check fee structures of Private school
  • Hill-valley disparity in education
  • Climate change from Christian perspectives
  • Karuna- Please kindly read the message
  • International Nurses Week #2
  • Changing Perspectives :: Poem
  • Single Window Clearance System (SWCS)
  • Civil Engineer @ R-Square Design
  • Naga Peace Process :: News Timeline
  • Cleaning river bank an awaited measures..
  • Manipur, a destination for immigrants ?
  • Poumai Purul Hiimai Paoki #2 : Gallery
  • Himalayan newt: Biodiversity Day concern
  • On Academics, Intellectuals & Activists
  • An untold story :: Poem
  • International Day for Biological Diversity
  • Families for inclusive societies
  • What happens in Karnataka ?
  • Why common man fails to show courage..
  • Looking at Mizoram & 2019 : BJP's agenda
  • ANSF wants ceasefire in entire Naga area
  • Kakching Garden :: 360 Panorama View
  • Folk Dance Festival #5 : Gallery
  • Kailam Sanctuary threaten to displace tribes
  • Inner Line Permit (ILP) Demand :: Timeline
  • Kuki-Zomi Insurgency in Manipur #3
  • Prof L Janmejay: Reminiscence as teacher
  • In The Annals of Time :: Poem
  • 128th Birth Anniversary of Ho Chi Minh
  • Challenges to Digital India initiatives
  • Pressing issues before the Govt
  • Aerial view from Chingmeirong : Gallery
  • Governor's Taekwondo Cup: Gallery
  • Entrepreneurship in the context of Manipur
  • Face scrubs to avoid dirt this summer
  • Ah, me - Now Happy, Now Sad :: Poem
  • Rio assures of co-existence with neighbours
  • Nandeshwore- President, Manipur, RJSP
  • 'PDA Govt is functioning smoothly'
  • SC voices displeasure at defence ministry
  • Manipur NPF differs with Shurho over BJP
  • Khangkhui Cave, Ukhrul #2: Gallery
  • Identity crisis : @Somorendra Lecture
  • Reflection on Tour of Dubai & Abu Dhabi #2
  • Khangminashi - II : Report
  • Globalization & its impact on our culture
  • District Demand 2011-2018 :: Timeline
  • Dishonouring the Constitution of India
  • From EVM to floor test Onus on BJP
  • Curtain Raising- Sangai Fest 2017: Gallery
  • 4th MCA Plate Tournament : Gallery
  • International Nurses Week #1
  • Story of Silence : @Somorendra Lecture
  • Apiculture (bee-keeping) #2
  • Khangminashi - II : Invitation at Thoubal
  • IBSD-ILS Centre set up in Bhubaneswar
  • Of 3 Ws - Beware
  • Forming the Govt : Office of Governor
  • Lainingthou Lai Lam thopka #2 : Gallery
  • Manipur Fight League Season 1 : Gallery
  • Prison Diary of Lamyanba NK Sanajaoba #3
  • Rights of indigenous people & merger
  • Manipur's tryst for a native Chief Secretary
  • Marxji, Modiji & Birenji
  • Reasoning without disparities
  • Regulate movement of auto rickshaws
  • Healing Touch: A case of still to outreach
  • Re-visiting Khangkhui caves in Ukhrul
  • Sandrembi Cheishra :: Book Review
  • Homecoming & Other Stories :: Review
  • Kuki-Zomi Insurgency in Manipur #2
  • Cry of a Dying River - 29 :: Poem
  • Shija Hospitals MOU for RBSK Nagaland
  • Are we waiting for the "Go-dot"
  • Understanding with KSO : Reaching to all
  • Garlic Festival @ Ukhrul #3 : Gallery
  • Dr. Cesarczyk drizzled harmonics in the rain
  • Tlanglhungbung Leikol - Tourist destination
  • Manipulative skill pays in usurping power
  • Khonzel TV : New Manipuri Streaming TV
  • Naturopathy as career option
  • Free Eye Camp at Wangoo
  • Khongjom Day: OK to observe on Apr 23, but
  • Outside Manipur after Class XII
  • TRAU Vs Langsning FC : Gallery
  • Ngasepam Nalini : State Akademi Award
  • Construction of Ima Keithel
  • Dreaming :: Poem
  • Test for dengue fever
  • Home Coming & other Stories : Book [upd]
  • Eco Tourism as alternative to Timber Trade
  • Go to Village - boon .. but a scourge for PRI
  • Citizenship Bill ... on basis of religion!
  • Gardening @Ema Keithel #2: Gallery
  • Front Page Photo 2018 #2: Gallery
  • Course in Book Publishing at IGNTU, Kpi
  • Reflection on Tour of Dubai & Abu Dhabi #1
  • Gurudev :: Poem
  • Counseling to Delhi University Aspirants
  • Poumai Purul Hiimai Paoki #1 : Gallery
  • Eyek Tamba :: Learn Manipuri script
  • Apiculture (bee-keeping) #1
  • Entrepreneur find ways to recycle plastic
  • Social impacts of Mapithel dam
  • Cyber crime defined: The Bhopal case
  • Timber banned but no ban on firewood
  • Traffic chaos : Regulate not ban entry !
  • Cheiraoba Thabal by LGBTQ #2 : Gallery
  • Culturals @Shirui Lily Fest : Gallery
  • Kuki-Zomi Insurgency in Manipur #1
  • Civil Service as a career option
  • The plight of education in Manipur
  • Appeal to Stop Oil Exploration
  • TechExpo at IIT Guwahati
  • Awaiting- a light at end of the tunnel
  • Wanted : Responses not reactions
  • Kabo Valley: A brief history
  • 'Autonomous Naga council'- a major hurdle
  • Cry of a Dying River - 28 :: Poem
  • Admission :: SAIRAM college at Patsoi
  • Khangminashi :: Lecture series at KKT
  • CASO conducted at Mantripukhri
  • PRI & the Mission- "Go to Village"
  • Final pact likely soon : Stand of CSOs
  • Pakhangba Cheng Hongba #2 : Gallery
  • Steelheart @ Shirock , Ukhrul #3 : Gallery
  • The Killing Fields - 2013-18 : News Timeline
  • A village "wall" a destruction for others
  • Thank you Mangaal Rural...
  • Lack of proper investigation- minor girl case
  • Nagaland Cong shelved plans to contest LS
  • Employment drive through Afforestation
  • Bid to attract the brightest
  • A. Halim Chowdhury: A Profile
  • Gardening @Ema Keithel #1: Gallery
  • Occupational hazards of journalists
  • Election: The greatest weapon of the people
  • Community Gardening in memory of Belinda
  • Politicians need a thorough headbanging
  • Beauty essentials for your holiday
  • NPF will not attend meeting..
  • A view on "Go to Village" Mission
  • Littering Shirui peak after Lily Fest
  • Khangkhui Cave, Ukhrul #1: Gallery
  • Dance competition @MANFETE #2 : Gallery
  • Bracing for monsoon madness
  • When I'm sick :: Poem
  • 1949: Story of India's Takover of Manipur
  • You can't defile a Judge like that
  • Legal provisions for misusing Social Media
  • Bill for non-local: Need to learn from 2015
  • Heart OPD Camp at Youth Club Brahmapur
  • Flood in Imphal [06 May ] : Gallery
  • Gudui Ngai @ Ragailong : Gallery
  • Ode to Inle (in Myanmar) #2
  • AFSPA Repeal from Meghalaya, Arunachal
  • Reclamation of eutrophicated water bodies
  • Hey smartphone! Free me from your spell
  • Job Positions at VITSOFTS, Canchipur
  • Lainingthou Lai Lam thopka #1 : Gallery
  • Phumdigi Tantha Dance Drama : Synopsis
  • Speaker List at Seminar on Atomic Energy
  • The making of village republics
  • The Sunset Blues :: Poem
  • Rio for development on eastern corridor
  • Welcomes decision on mini hornbills
  • Good show only from Imphal
  • Class XII Exam Toppers : Gallery
  • Prison Diary of Lamyanba NK Sanajaoba #1
  • Communal Harmony in a Multicultural ..
  • Community Gardening Event at Ema Keithel
  • Usurped Domain
  • Fruit stalls : Who gave them the license ?
  • 60 best social media practices
  • Pakhangba Cheng Hongba #1 : Gallery
  • Class XII Result : Science Toppers
  • Class XII Result : Arts Toppers
  • Class XII Result : Commerce Toppers
  • HSE Result 2018 : District Wise
  • HSE Result 2018 : Highest Marks
  • HSE Result 2018 : Science Stream
  • HSE Result 2018 : Arts Stream
  • HSE Result 2018 : Commerce Stream
  • Scholarship for Civil Aspirants : Gallery
  • The Streets Of Imphal
  • Civil Aspirants Scholarship Announcement
  • Vandalizing of fruit seller- protecting identity
  • Free Heart OPD Camp at Manipur University
  • Go to Village Mission: Another first for Govt
  • Khongjom Day - April 23 #2 : Gallery
  • Haudonggi Lamchat :: Funga Wari
  • Mukada: Eroding Festival of Kharam Tribe
  • Kh Sanjita & Saikhom Mirabai :: Gallery
  • May Calendar for Year 2018 :: Tools
  • NE Guide to Thailand : Gallery
  • Paintings @Imphal Art Camp : Gallery
  • 'HUN' Thadou Cultural Festival #2 : Gallery
  • Naorem Kalimohon Singh : A Profile
  • Cheiraoba Chak Katpa [14 Apr] : Gallery
  • Md Awaysh Khan: Mr. India : Gallery
  • Mahesh Thounaojam #2 : eRang Photos
  • Mnipur Ima :: Seireng
  • Tributes to Khelen Thokchom : Gallery
  • Sanakhya Ebotombi Haorokcham: Biography
  • PM Narendra Modi @Imphal #2 : Gallery
  • Enakta Leiringei (Film) #2 :: eRang
  • Temples of Manipur : Gallery
  • Recipients of Akademi Awards for 2014
  • Old Manipuri Movie #1 :: eRang Classic
  • SPONSORED ADS